Moroni

Taken from my family blog

22 February 2012

Sometimes Life is Hard

I went in today for my routine OB appointment.  Dr. Robison searched and searched and searched for the heartbeat, but couldn't find it.  He wasn't too concerned yet, but sent me to ultrasound.  I, of course, felt uneasy.

I waited for at least 10 minutes before Darla came to get me for ultrasound.  It was quick.  She did a few measurements, and did the thing where you should be able to see the blood flow through the baby.  But, I could plainly see, there was no blood flowing.  Before she concluded, she added a quick note at the bottom of the screen "No cardiac."  So, I knew...

It seemed a little like an out-of-body experience walking back to the other room.  I felt a little numb.  I sat in the chair and a nurse was in there (that knows Sean from WalMart days... she used to work in the pharmacy).  She very cheerfully asked how everything was, and I burst into tears.  She was very kind and asked if she could call anyone for me.  I shook my head no.  She put the box of tissues closer to me.  And she said to let her know if I needed anything and she left.

I was only alone for a few minutes before Dr. Robison came back.  He was very kind and told me firmly that it was not my fault.  That sometimes these things happen.  He talked to me about different options and he said I could go home and talk to Sean about it and he would call me in the morning.

I was a bit dazed, but as I understand it, I will go into the office in the morning and he will give me some medicine to get things rolling.  I am not sure if he sends me home or I will check into the hospital...  But he said I should be ready to deliver in 6 to 12 hours.

I asked if I will be able to see the baby, and he said yes.  He told me about how small the baby will be.  Probably will fit right in my hand.

I have been telling family and friends, and I am really feeling comforted by the thoughts and prayers and love they are sending our way.

The kiddos seem to be doing well with it.  I am not sure how fully they understand.

I got a sub for the next two days... I just have to finish the sub plans.  :(  I went to the school tonight to do that, but the door wouldn't open.  We had power outages today, so I think that may have caused the problem.  So, I will have to go in the morning to do the sub plans.  Bummer. And I wasn't able to get any of the subs I wanted, so I ended up with a sub I've had before and didn't really care for.  But, owell.  It will all be okay!

Well, I better get to bed.  I think tomorrow is going to be an emotional day.

23 February 2012

My Heart is Full

"The sun is shining a little brighter because God brought another angel home."

  The Story of Moroni

Thursday morning started early.  I had tried to go after school on Wednesday to do my sub plans, but because of the power outage, the key cards didn’t work to get into the school.  So, I got to school about 7am.  My key card still wasn’t working, but thankfully Art (the custodian) was nearby and opened the door for me.

I was able to get sub plans taken care of in a little over an hour.  Sean got Russell and Brad to school.  (And he still made it home before me.)  Linda (secretary) and Rich (principal) both came to visit me in my room.  Linda saw that I put in sick leave for missing Thursday and Friday and she came to see if everything was okay.  I told her, no, we lost the baby.  She was very kind.  I am sure she said something to Rich, because he came in shortly after that to say how sorry he was.  He asked if I wanted him to say something to the staff and I said I had already asked Megan (friend at school) to do something like that.  So, a little while later Rich called for everyone to come to the commons for a huddle.  I knew what it was, so I didn’t go.  Megan told everyone that I had miscarried.  I am not sure exactly what she said… but at least the staff was in the know.

I finished up at school and went home.  Kind of just hung out, waiting to hear from the Dr. Robison.  Feeling antsy, I called the office about 8:40 and ended up leaving a message.  Eventually, I talked to Dr. Robison and he told me my choices.  I could either go to labor and delivery and they could get things started there.  Or, I could get a prescription and administer it at home, then go into the hospital when I start to feeling labor pains.  Sean and I talked and decided that it would be nice for me to be home as long as possible.  Getting the prescription was kind of a pain because it was left on the message machine at the pharmacy, and when I got there to pick it up, the pharmacists hadn’t even listened to their messages yet.  So, we had to wait an extra 30 minutes to get the medicine.

We got home about 12 and I placed it internally, next to the cervix about 12:15pm.  Then I was to lay down for 1-2 hours.  I watched some TV, but ended up falling asleep.  I was tired after waking up early, and I hadn’t had the best nights sleep, either.  Samantha and SJ were welcomed next door to play (I seriously can’t say how much I love my neighbors!  They are some of the most wonderful friends we have ever had!!)  Around the time school was out, I was starting to feel uncomfortable.  So, Sean picked up Russell and Brad and took them next door, to the Kohler’s house.  Sean and I headed to the hospital.

We got checked in, but there was some confusion.  They thought I need to go into surgery, for a D and C.  I overheard a phone conversation they made to the surgical staff (who couldn’t find any info for me there), so I said I wasn’t there for a D and C.  So, they called labor and delivery and sure enough they were expecting me.

We got to the room and my nurse Rachel took care of all the questions, etc, after I got changed and was in bed.  Once that was taken care of, she attempted to give me an IV line (which she got on the 3^rd attempt).  Then she gave me more medicine on my cervix.  Then Sean and I were mostly left alone for a while.  We played games and watched shows on Netflix on our Kindle Fires.

I can’t remember what time it was, but I was starting to feel a lot more pain.  I am guessing it was around 8.  I was timing the contractions, and they were right on top of each other.  (I had texted Celeste about 8:30, saying I was in pain, and hadn’t been checked yet.)  I was told I could have Stadol in my IV, or I could get an epidural.  I didn’t even consider and epidural; I didn’t want to be numb.  By this point, I had a new nurse, Cameron (not sure on spelling).  I called her in and told her I was in pain and wondered how I was progressing.  I was told that Stadol makes you kind of loopy and I didn’t want to be loopy if I was close to delivering.  Cameron checked me and I was at nothing; hadn’t dilated at all.  So, I got the Stadol via IV.  Almost immediately the room started to spin ceiling to floor.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open because it was so dizzying.  Cameron asked if there was anything she could get me.  She had mentioned earlier that I could have all kinds of clear fluids, including Italian Ice.  So, I asked for some of that.  She brought it in and I enjoyed it very much, with my eyes closed.  It was mango flavored.

Shortly after that, it seemed that my pain changed.  It wasn’t the tightening of the contractions.  But, it didn’t really feel like pressure.  I just knew it had changed, and it started to feel like I was peeing my pants.  So, I called for my nurse to come back, but Cameron was in another room helping someone else, so Cecelia came instead.  Cecelia checked me and said I was ready.  I was bleeding and I think that my water broke while she was checking me.  I was still kind of out of it because of the Stadol, but the room wasn’t spinning anymore; my eye lids just felt really heavy.

Cecelia said she had contacted Dr. Robison, and he would be coming in a half hour or so.  But, she decided that she better call him in soon.  We had been told that in these situations, where the baby is so small, there is only about a 50/50 chance that the doctor makes it for the delivery at all.  She seemed (to me) a little concerned about the amount of blood.  (I seem to remember her cleaning up and saying she would call the doctor now, instead of waiting.  And I asked her if that was a lot of blood.  My mind was kind of fuzzy, but I don’t think she answered me directly, just said it would be best for the doctor to come now.)  Also, I think she felt like the doctor would miss the delivery if he didn’t come it in asap.

Dr. Robison arrived, and they got the bed ready for delivery.  They asked me to help with pushing; I am not sure how long it lasted, but I delivered a beautiful, tiny, precious baby boy at 9:19pm.  The doctor knew immediately what caused his death.  There was a tight knot in his cord, and the cord was wrapped around his neck twice.  Everyone (doc, Sean, Cecilia) could see what was going on, and they were talking about the cord, etc.  But, I couldn't see.  My blanket was draped over my legs.  So, I asked if I could see, and Cecelia immediately got a blanket and placed it on me.  Then our baby boy was placed on the blanket on me.  He was so tiny.  It was amazing to look at his tiny, perfect features; his ears, fingers, toes, legs, arms; all perfect and so small.  Dr. Robison and Cecelia did what they had to do with clean up, etc.  I was kind of oblivious as to what they were doing, my whole focus was on my baby boy.  I think that Dr. Robison worked a little bit with trying to deliver the placenta, but it was pretty stuck.  So, eventually he said he would return in a half hour or so and see if it would come out then.  Cecelia put the bed back together, stuck a towel between my legs, cleaned up the room, and left.

Sean and I just marveled at our tiny baby.  I asked if he had thought about any names, and he said not really.  I said I didn't really have anything in mind.  He said he thought a name from the Book of Mormon would be nice.  So, we named all the books and thought.  Sean let me pick.  I said I liked Moroni.  So, our little boy now had a name.  We just looked and looked at him.  I asked Sean if he wanted to hold him.  He did.  Then he cried.  I am thankful for the clarity of mind I had for this short time.  I really got to enjoy some time with  Moroni and Sean.

I am not sure when, but at some point, I started to feel so tired.  I know I was still losing blood, but I’m not sure how much at this point.  I know that Sean took Moroni over to Cecelia so she could do weight and length measurements on him.  He weighed about 4.5 oz and measured just over 8 inches long.  Cecelia took great care to get hand prints and foot prints.  She really was amazing and I can never thank her enough for her kindness and caring.  She really treated Moroni perfectly!

(A side note about my nurse Cameron.  Cecelia told us that Cameron had a baby in August.  She was told early in the pregnancy that the baby had some problem that made the baby not compatible with life.  She chose to continue on with the pregnancy.  She got to spend about 30 minutes with her baby before the baby passed away.  It worked out really well that Cecelia was able to come in for the delivery.  I am sure that Cameron was not ready to go through all of that.)

Dr. Robison came back around an hour later.  I can’t remember exactly, but I think it was around this time that Cecelia took Moroni to the nursery.  (I do remember hearing her say that she was taking him to the nursery, I just didn't pay attention to the time.)  Dr. Robison worked and worked to get the placenta out.  It was not very willing!  He got pieces out.  And I felt and times that he was up to his elbow in me.  It hurt so badly!!  He was just trying to avoid a D and C, but eventually he looked at what he had removed and decided that he couldn’t get it all.  So, they got me ready to go to the OR.  I remember being wheeled in on my bed.  I was feeling kind of out-of-it again.  I remember saying bye to Sean and him kissing me before I left.

When I was in the OR, I helped the staff move me onto the operating bed.  Mike, the anesthesiologist (GREAT guy!  I've gotten all my epidurals from him.), came in and got the heart monitors hooked onto me.  He gave me some medicine through my IV, so I didn’t have to be completely knocked out.  It was some crazy medicine that basically made me hallucinate.  Everything I saw was very colorful, and it seemed like I was going through tunnels that were being built right before me.  So odd!  Finally, I started coming off the pain meds and the procedure was done.  I looked around and thought, “Oh ya, this is where I am.”  I was moved back onto my bed and taken back to my room.  Sean said I was only gone for about 45 minutes.  When we got back to my room, I still felt so weird.  And I remember hearing myself say, "throw up" but it was kind of like an out-of-body experience.  Someone grabbed a throw up bag just in time.  I was thankful to have had the Mango Italian Ice.  (If you know what I mean. Ü)

By this point, I was exhausted.  I don’t know what time it was, but I am guessing it was around 11.  I guess I fell asleep, but I still seemed to be somewhat aware of things going on in the room from time to time.  Sean watched shows on his Kindle for a while.  But, I think exhaustion was setting in and he headed home around 12:30am.

The kids were at the Kohler’s house until around 5, when Celeste Hibbert was done with her clients and she picked up the kiddos and took them home.  She fed them dinner, took care of them, and got them to bed.  What a blessing!  Celeste said she could stay until 6am, if needed.  I think Sean just wanted to sleep in his own bed, so he went home.

Around 1am, Cecelia came back in.  She said that they had dressed Moroni in white.  She asked if my camera was still at the hospital so she could take some pictures.  And she asked if I wanted to see Moroni.  I thought Sean had taken the camera home, so she took my cell phone to take some pictures.  And, of course, I wanted to see my beautiful angel, dressed in white!  What an amazingly kind thing for the nurses to do!!

This was a very special and sacred time.  I am really am eternally grateful to Cecelia to giving me this time!  After Cecelia left Moroni with me, I sat up my bed a little bit and noticed that my camera was still in the room.  I called Cecelia in, and she took a few pictures, including one of me holding him.  Then she left and said she would take a few more when she took him back to the nursery.

When I was alone with Moroni again, I said a prayer and thanked my Heavenly Father for this time and thanked Him for Moroni.  I told Moroni I love him.  I took time to look at his tiny fingers and tiny toes.  I just enjoyed him.  And when I was ready, I said good-bye.

Cecelia came back in and took him back to the nursery.  I, once again, was completely exhausted and fell right to sleep.  In the morning, I had a new nurse, Treena.  She was also incredibly kind.  She said that she was honored to be my nurse and asked if she could give me a hug.  Of course!  She got a little teary-eyed talking to me.  She was very sweet!

Friday morning, Sean got the big boys to school and got the other kiddos ready, then he headed to the hospital to take me home.  Sean hadn’t had a chance to tell the kiddos about our baby being a boy and that we named him Moroni.  So, when Samantha and SJ made it to the hospital, I told them.  I said, “We had a baby boy, and we named him Moroni.”  Samantha and SJ both smiled.  Then SJ got a mischievous grin on his face and said to Samantha, “It was a BOY!”  Silly boy!  I am beginning to wonder, though… will Samantha ever get a sister…

I got checked out and we headed home.  I took it easy.  I still felt kind of dizzy.  The doctor said I lost about 3 pints of blood.  Kind of crazy!  I tried to get a little bit of laundry done and a little bit cleaning done in preparation of our trip to California.  (Before we lost Moroni, we already had a trip planned to take the kiddos to Disneyland and LEGOLAND.  We felt it would be best to continue on with those plans.)  But, I really couldn’t get too much done.  Sean was very helpful in getting things put together, so that was a relief.

Sean was on his vacation time during all of this, and the timing really couldn’t have been any better.  Of course, if he had been out of town, it would have worked out fine.  But, it was just best that he was in town.  He has been such a great husband and friend through all of this!  I know that it affects him differently then it does me, and he understands that too.

We have been on the receiving end of so much kindness through all of this.

I am so thankful to so many people!

Most of all, I am thankful for my testimony.  I know without a doubt that we have a loving Heavenly Father.  I know that he has a plan for me and my family.  I know that because of the blessings of the temple, I will be able to see Moroni again.  And I will be able to see Nicholas again.  I don’t understand why I have the trials that I do.  But, I look around at other people’s trials, and I am thankful for mine.  Heavenly Father knows me and knows what I can handle.  And I know that I can always turn to Him in prayer for help and comfort.  I know Jesus understands my pains!  I know that He lived and died for me and He lives again!.  I know that because of His life and death and resurrection, my life is blessed!  Because of Him, death is not the end.

I look forward to the day that I will get to raise my angel babies!